Why Listening To Feelings Is Just As Important As A Good Night’s Sleep


The other day a friend (who also practises Hand in Hand Parenting) were chatting. I was talking about how since my daughter’s recently started Kindergarten that I’m trying to shift her bedtime routine. She used to go to sleep between 9-10 but now she has to fall asleep earlier. Ideally I’d like her to wake up naturally each morning, but I’m finding I have to wake her each day, which sometimes results in her being overtired. What could I do to shift her sleep, I wondered? Should I impose a strict routine now instead of going with the flow like I used to?

As my friend and I talked we remembered something. We’ve noticed anecdotally that children who’s feelings get listened to,  (what Hand in Hand Parenting calls staylistening) tend to need less sleep and often drop their naps earlier than other toddlers. (although this is a slight disadvantage, there are many bigger advantages to having a child who’s feelings don’t erupt through their behaviour all the time, I promise you!)  It got me thinking about how sometimes, if my daughter has a big play, or a big cry the night before she wakes up in an amazingly good mood, even if she ends up having less sleep. Now I think about it, I have also needed more sleep at times when I was full of emotion. A couple years ago when my grandmother died I could easily sleep for 12 hours if I had the chance.

When our children have to get up in the morning for an exact time it can put a lot of pressure on family life. We feel like we have to get serious, put a stop to fun and games, and live our lives by the clock. One way around this that I tried this week was to set a timer for our evening roughhousing play, so that we could still have fun, but fit it into our stricter routine.

On Friday night I was going to do the same, but then I remembered the conversation with my friend. My daughter seemed to need to play and release some feelings so we ended up playing for longer. I knew she could sleep in the next day. I didn’t want to throw off her whole routine, but since she’s started Kindergarten, she’s taking longer to fall asleep at night. She’s often singing German songs or counting in German last thing at night, and I know her brain’s processing all the learning she’s doing. I know that as much as she needs a good night’s sleep she also needs extended play to relax first. And last thing at night seems the perfect time to do it!

If your child regularly takes a long time to fall asleep at night, it can make you feel anxious. You’re worried your child is going to be exhausted the next day. You’re frustrated and want some me-time. Play offers us the chance to relax. To be a little flexible with the routine for a few nights, and give our child concentrated, intense play to work on any stress and tension that’s been gathering up. Don’t be surprised if your child also needs to cry after having lots of laughs and giggles. It’s all part of their natural healing process for releasing stress and tension. Going with it rather than against it will help your child to sleep better in the long run, even if it disrupts the routine for a few nights.

After a few nights of having their feelings listened to, you may notice that they fall asleep much easier, and it’s much easier to implement your bedtime routine.

So if you find yourself getting stressed and tense waiting for your child to fall asleep. Remember that giggles are just as important! And you can go with your child’s natural instinct to play and release tension, rather than focusing on the clock.

If you’re looking for some bedtime inspiration try these suggestions below. 

Giggle Parenting For When Your Child Just Won’t Fall Asleep 

The Benefits Of Laughter Before Bedtime 

Silly Bedtime For Kids Leads To Better Sleep 

And if you’d like to learn more about how Hand in Hand Parenting can help your child fall asleep easily and sleep through the night check out the sleep chapter of my book, Tears Heal: How To Listen To Our Children 

Tears Heal2016




10 thoughts on “Why Listening To Feelings Is Just As Important As A Good Night’s Sleep

  1. This is a great approach, Kate. Bedtime is a very good time to communicate with children and give them that last opportunity, or an a busy day maybe the only opportunity, to let you know how they’re feeling. I find the after-school activities a killer for family time. Avoid as long as possible!

    1. thanks for reading. At the moment my daughter is exhausted from starting Kindergarten so luckily I’m not sure I could get her to go to after school activities anyway!

      1. Yes she knew a bit from her Spielgruppe but every day she comes home with a few new words and tells me what they mean. So amazing to experience!

  2. My son and sleep = not a match made in heaven. Ever since he has been a baby. He just didn’t seem to need a lot of sleep. As i experienced that he was gonna be up around 6am, no matter at what time he went to bed, I loosened up. So what if he was having some late night fun? Singing, giggling, cracking jokes? As long as he was waking up on his own… Of course now that he is in school, on some rare Monday mornings he is still tired and grumpy when he has to be woken up. By the time he’s had breakfast and a shower he’s back to his old cheerful self, and it makes my tired old self smile 🙂

    1. Sounds like a good attitude to have. My daughter also doesn’t need a lot of sleep. But she loves to sleep in!

  3. I totally agree. Listening is so important. On Sunday we were so close together all day and I felt like we had a great deal of sharing and listening and I for one felt so much better about everything. Then I realized how little time we spend sitting and making time to really listen to each other. Instead of cleaning something or cooking something or doing laundry at the same time as listening. I was really sitting and listening. I want to do this more.

    1. It’s good to notice. Since my daughter started kindergarten I’ve also been trying to notice when I’m multitasking. If she starts telling me about her day I try to put down what I’m doing and sit with her and just listen.

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